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Warning: TW!: Contains mentions of SA, su1c1dal thoughts, transphobia, childhood abuse, cyberbullying and s3lf-h4rm.
This is gonna be fucking long, so if you stick around to read the whole thing just know I love you.
This is different. The layout is different, the design, everything.
I hate life.
Last time I wrote something here was around March 2024, and now it's the 24th January, 2025. A lot has happened since, and I've also realized I changed a lot after I re-read everything I wrote back then. For example, I'm now trans and questioning my sexuality (though I might be omni...?), I have different favourite artists... and there's a lot, basically.
There's this poster that keeps falling off the fucking wall, omg I'm too lazy to put it back so it's just laying around on my desk about to drop on the floor.
I made a new friend at the beginning of the new school year, but I'm kinda questioning our compatibility or however you say it... He's said some pretty questionable things. I'm not going into detail, it's too much and I have more to type out because I'm feeling depressed.
I got an E on my German test which was 50% of my grade today. An E is between D and F. Although it is a passing grade (barely), I feel so fucking stupid and disappointed in myself.
I've been trying to hold myself back from doing something that'll make all of this stop, and maybe you get an idea of what I'm talking about. I'll just rant about some topics in my life which are the reasons I don't like it now. And while I am aware at the fact that others have it way worse, these are just my probelms and that I know that there are more to come because I'm not even a teenager fully and life gets even worse in those years.
I was SA'd by this girl in my class when I was in 5th grade, on a 5-day-long school trip. It was on the 3rd evening if I remeber correctly. I have no Idea, actually. I just remeber how the scene looked like, with some of my friends around me, I was just laughing while she was touching me weirdly down there. I thought it was funny. I was 11, and she was 10. We were allowed to visit eachother's room that evening, and I went into S' (the SA'er) room where her other friends were. My best friend was also sitting infront of me. They were all playing Uno before they switched to just talking and fucking around. I infact do not want to go into detail of what happened, even if it was a very small thing that she did. But everytime I tried telling people about it, they would just take it as a joke since she's almost a year younger than me and a girl, saying that she "loves touching girls" as some sick joke. My class is so unserious in bad ways, usually, but I still can't bring myself to actually admit the fact that I don't like them. I've known them for well over 6 years now, I think? But back to S, she was also very mature for her age. Many people could just think 'oh, but she was young and didn't know what she was doing!' while at school she actively makes it obvious that she was more mature for her age in a not so sfw way.
One of my friends (which I don't really like. I'll maybe go into detail later if I have the energy) also said, and I quote, "Yeah but the police won't look into it if it's been three years, it's a law."... I just told you I got SA'd and thats how you reply, damn.
About in September, I was just thinking about my life. Just casual memories, before I realized I only rember 1 thing from before the age of 10. Guess what? That same night, I was randomly hit with a memory I completely forgot the existence of. I was probably in kindergarten at the time, so I was about 5 years old. My dad, yelling loudly and possibly hitting me after I pointed at the lamp in my old room and it looked like "I was doing a gesture as if I was holding a gun." It cuts to 2 minutes after, where I'm crying on my mom's shoulder in her room, next to mine in the middle of the night. The only thing I don't understand is the part where I'm crying to my mom, because when I remember it, I see it in third person, as if I'm another person just watching myself cry.
Cyberbullying on social media. This has been an issue in my life since I was very young, I think about 9 years old, when I got on social media. I got death threats almost on the daily when I just turned 11, and I acted like they didn't affect me. But it's hard when the first thing you see when opening your phone in the morning is about 3 people DM'ing you "kys, faggot" just before leaving for school.
My phone is a massive problem. Yes, I admitted it, but I won't talk about it much because there isn't much to. My screentime is equally fucked like all my other problems, it being 6+ hours on school days and almost 12+ hours on weekends or on holidays. Sometimes it reaches more. There's more comfort on there than real life, but there's also way more hate on it, too.
Also back to the subject of cyberbullying, there's this one guy who I'm really good friends with, but I don't really know anymore. A lot of times, he outs me as trans to people who are visibly transphobic. But it's not just him, there's also another guy who does the same thing. The amount of times I came back home after hanging out with my friend and saw 200+ messages on whatsapp, opening them and they're shit talking about me is unreal. It's as if they think I can't read, or they forget I'm even in the group. it's insane how many things I've read on there.
Harassment everyday, misogynistic comments everyday, I'm tired now.
I was 10 when I started c-tt1ng, about a few months after I moved to Abruzzo, in Italy because it was right where my grandparents lived and my dad found a job there. I think it was March or April. I didn't really c-t, just scratch myself and I would feel tears at the corner of my eyes, threatening to just like... Burst out if I said a word or moved at all whenever someone noticed the connection point between my hands and arms was really red.
But apart from that, nobody really noticed. It was obvious to my mom that I was struggling a lot back then, changing countries, school system, classmates, languages, home and lifestyle completely, and she let me have mental health days, I think I had about 10 in total, but they all got excused as 'sickness' from my dad.
Talking about my dad, I barely see him. Yes, we live in the same house any everything, but because of his job I don't get to really. He works as an occupational doctor just five minutes from my home, but he always wants/needs to do extra things after. I don't know what he does, I just know he's gone most days.
The werid thing is, I feel dreadful when he gets home. I subconsciously shut off completely, stopping whatever I was doing and just going on my phone with my headphones as some lonely person. It feels like I can't show my true self around him. Even if I'm simply listening to music or watching my favourite series (which I have a huge hyperfixation on for 2+ years), I'd turn it off. I usually stay in my room when he's there. I trust my mom way more, but I still love him.
It's something about still loving the first people you were first taught to, even if you don't feel comfortable enough to say you 'love them', it's hard to admit you don't. There's always doubt in my thoughts, wondering if all the bad things he did were just nightmares and that he's actually a kind soul.
Or maybe those stories about how he became depressed when I was 3-10 were true, and he doesn't want to admit he hurt me during that period because he feels a deep regret in it. The other memory I mentioned, that I didn't talk about before is the following;
I was in third grade, in the car with my brother who was 6 years old at the time and my dad. My mom went to a parent-teacher appointment and we were waiting for her in silence. Some man came up to my dad's window and started telling him about some shit... I think the man wanted to park there, I'm not sure, but my dad started fully lashing out on him. The argument was in French, which I didn't understand at the time, but me and my brother were equally terrified and wondering what was going on but we didn't dare ask.
I maybe have a crush on this girl in my class, she's 2 and 1/2 years older than me, that's one of the only bad thing. She didn't have to repeat the year btw, in some way. But anyways, I'll just call her E, since thats the beginning of her name.
And no, I do not switch crushes every month or something. If you've read my other post from almost a year ago where I'm tweaking about Z, it's changed. I haven't seen her in well over 2 years, and I've had a crush on her for 3+ years. But I guess not seeing eachother, lack of communication and everything made me fall out of love... If thats the correct way to describe it.
E joined my class in September. Her sister was already in my class from last year, but I didn't talk with her much. I felt absolute shock in my head when her sister came up to me and asked "Hey, (deadname)? My sister wants to be friends with you.." last month, because back in September I asked if I could sit with her for lunch. She already looked cool on the first day, so I was like, 'why not become friends?' before she blankly replied with 'no.'
Having come from the ongoing war in Ukraine and school in Russian, her English isn't perfect, but I love her accent when she speaks nonetheless. She's giving me mixed signals. She's done many things that she's claimed to also have done with her other friends, but I don't think it's casual for her to randomly kiss my hand, lay her head on my shoulder, getting super close to my face and always finding ways to talk to me... It's not all but it's a lot!!
I'm tired, my pc battery is at about 5%, I'm half awake, my fingers hurt but I want to countinue writing since I got out of writing block for the first time in half a year!
I'm getting constant headaches, my throat hurts bad, I might get a fever tomorrow, and I have French homework for tomorrow at 10:30am because extra lessons from school.
I hate it, and if you read atleast some of my old posts I think it's pretty clear I don't like socializing and I don't like teachers. I have a French teacher, German and Luxembourgish, even though I'm only doing serious things like grammar rules and stuff in French. I don't even get the point, Luxembourgish is my second language and I can understand+speak it perfectly. I don't know how to write, but I don't know when that'll come in Handy, since I'm not planning on living here for the rest of my life.
I like staying at my home, but I'd prefer it in a 'visiting home and family for the holidays' kind of way. I want to live in some city like Tokyo, London, Stockholm or New York. Also because I'm not even originally from Luxembourg (although I do have the passport now), and I don't have any sort of special bond with the country.
"Be grateful, you rich ass!" Is something I've heard people tell me just because my family presents the way they do, because my dad's a doctor, but we could barely afford to pay rent in a small apartment in Italy because of how little he got paid and we barely had any money left from before. We still do now, sometimes.
I'm feeling like writing goodbye letters, but I won't do what comes after for a long time. It's something I want to, but I also don't. Deep in my soul, is a boy who's wondering what he did wrong to be born and treated this way. I don't feel loved by many, even though I should.
And That councludes my nightly depression rant, everyone!
