A dramatic take on life :3

27.2.26

Hihi oh my fucking god, it's almost already the end of the month?!?!?!11?!'?!?1'11'?

I just remembered that last time I saw Z, I was never able to tell her how I feel, and when I was at the peak of love for her, I then never saw her again. Which I feel really shitty of, because she was my first love. I still remember how she looked like when she was in fourth grade, but years and years have passed since that. We are both much older now...

Which could apply to Leon too. Last time we physically saw eachother was June 27th of last year. It's been exactly 8 months since that. I feel like shit. I also found out my psychiatrist knows about Leon, but I'll write about that later.

BUT about that comment about Z, FEAR NOT!!! BECAUSE GUESS WHAT?? 

Tomorrow, my school is hosting it's 10th year anniversary party. The whole school can attend, while it's obligatory for students in the secondary section (like me) to attend, do atleast one activity and stay for THREE hours!! And they're gonna monitor you. So basically, tomorrow over three thousand people are going to gather together at the school in the town near mine. Which means, Z is going to be there!! 

Because get this! My school has two campuses, and I go to the first but least mentioned one. The one where all the cool parties are hosted, events, and where 60% of students are is the other campus. And tomorrow the festival is going to happen there. There's also going to be a disco from 7pm to 11pm which I didn't get tickets when they were selling them Tuesday-Thrusday (I was absent Thrusday and today, I'm sick) but J told me you can buy them tomorrow as well. My whole class is going, and hundreds of other students aswell. I think it's going to be fun, but I can never hope too much for school-organised parties. 

Sooo... I guess I'll write after I'm done with how it went :3 

 A dramatic take on life :3

22.2.26

OKAAAY HI AGAIN!!!! It's 2026 now... holy shit... (I know I said this before) 

Back in like August I made something like 'EMERGENCY POST'... And I never provided further context for it. I feel like I should write about it now, finally. So much has happened since. 

So we all remember Leon? Yeah, we are friends again. Obviously, but you guys should've seen all that shit. Some time around August, like 3 days before my computer got K.O'ed, I was still up at 2 am and had the crashout of the century. I ended up writing like five paragraphs worth of apologies to Leon.

Actually, let me try to find those messages, but warning because I was being so unbeliveably cringe and while I'm thankful for being friends again, I think those msgs were very cringe. 

"I feel like shit writing this, lol. Not because of you, honestly.

But I sort of hope you blocked me, or this whole message would probably just ruin your day. Or night, idk when you're gonna be reading this. I know you didn't block me yet, but I feel like after this you will. And I'm probably making a fool of myself now. I'll probably regret this in the morning, since I'm half awake rn and not thinking well. Since I don't know what I'm writing this for and I don't want to ruin anything even more than it already has been. All these messages could be pointless...

Ur bf seems nice from what I've seen, you guys are good together. (yes ik I included the bf where it wasn't necessary :cry:)

There really is no need to open the message, you can just ignore this, like I did for the past two months until today to yours. Like the bitch I am. And no, I'm not saying this to make anyone feel sorry, it's just the truth. And not only because of this situation. 

Honestly, I haven't moved on at all. I think... I needed time to figure out how I was feeling. But I don't need to go into details why, how and other. However my actions were and are still stupid.

I also finally understood what people meant when they say that suicide hotlines are useless. I tried calling one on the 4th June, for you, when people were worrying about you commiting. They didn't help, they just gave me another number which I was left on hold for hours. I also tried getting REDACTED

To call but he never answered the message.

This can't really be categorized as an apology, although I really do feel the need to do so. Though I don't know how. Just saying sorry to show so? Not enough. Random actions? It's just kind of creepy, depending on which actions we're talking about. Especially considering the fact that we haven't interacted since June 27th. So I really don't know what to do. Saying sorry a lot? That's not gonna help."

I WANT TO KILL MYSELF why couldn't I apologise like a normal person saying like "hey I'm sorry for everything, blah blah blah can we be friends again?" AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!

We talked occasionally for a day after that. The next time we talked was the day after my birthday (16th of December). He wished me a late happy birthday, and, since a long time passed since last time we talked, I had more time to figure out how I felt and shit. I guess I was really giddy when I got that message from him. I was home with a fever... Which later developed into the chicken pox. So technically, I had three weeks of Christmas vacations. Apparently, my dad said it was very serious.

Like, I had a fever of 39degrees and it would not go down, no matter how much medicine I took.

ANYWAYS, back to Leon, him and his bf ended up breaking up a while ago. I already figured it out during the same week they broke up, but only yestreday did Leon give me a bit more context. I stalked his instagram a lot okay...And so I noticed stuff and cryptic posts, and pretty much figured out they were done. 

Leon posted on his story that he might go to Mikuexpo in the future, and I got so excited because I also might!!! Same city, too!! So I replied, we talked for a couple seconds. We spammed a couple stickers after, and moved on to whatsapp to spam there instead.

I sent a dumbass durr sticker and this GUY replies with a message saying his ex bf left him FOR HIS BESTFRIEND???? I was like, wtf...

THEN for some fucking reason we talk about how to cook crack. Very nice, #CrackAtHome I guess. I learned something from it, atleast? So then we sent a couple more stickers and eventually the convo died out. Until he randomly texts me like 20 minutes later saying he has to go to sleep and I said 'same lol,' but in my head I was like brah I don't give a fuck (I DOOOO) the conversation died 20 minutes ago.

 I finished writing this post on 23.2.26 but no one gaf bro okay but it was only like two paragraphs...