A dramatic take on life :3

27.2.26

The event was ass. I don't want to talk about it much

I didn't see Z nor my friends who I hang out most with at school, they probably came earlier in the day as I came at like 2pm, and I left at 6:40pm. I didn't go to the party since I fucked my knee over and I was too stressed from the whole event to continue and look for where they were selling tickets

 

Anyways, about Leon

I done fucked up I carved the first letter of his name into my hip, but it's very small. I usually would post it on twitter, but he follows me on there (also I suffer from memory loss when I'm writing I don't know if I already told yall that his name isn't actually Leon and it starts with A.)

ADDITIONALLY, my dumbass finally figured out that Leon's ex left him for his bestfriend, who's name is Charlie. How do I know this? Because today, when I went on instagram I decided to find Leon's ex's account. And his bestfriend was always tagged in his bio, but I guess Charlie is Alexandre's bf now. Or gf? I don't fucking know, don't ask me. 

But Leon is so cute. I need him to be next to me and hug me all day until I get tired of it, though I never will. I wish he would've still gone to my school, so I could spend hours and hours staring at him during breaks. I want to fall asleep next to him in his room while he's minding his own business. I really like him... Wait, what's that noise I hear...??

 (old posts. F is Leon)

?? Oh yeah

ASIDE FROM THAT. All day, I imagine him cuddling me whenever I'm lying down, telling me how pretty, handsome, whatever I am when I look at myself in the mirror, I want him to straddle me so then—

Oh god I'm so fucked up. !!MIND YOU THIS IS THE SAME PERSON WHO WAS LIKE 'UH NO SORRY I AIN'T GONNA DATE YOU' BACK IN JUNE!! Ihatemyself. I wish I spent more time with him last year. I wish. I've only really had a crush on two people in my whole life, Z and Leon. Around end of 2024 I thought I liked E, but I ended up not actually liking her, and she's said some pretty transphobic stuff. 

I'm in love with him!! All of my favourite characters have blue hair like his, and they're all guys like him, they remind me of him. Which I really like because i LOVE him!! Last night I was up until 1:40 am because I'm sick so I keep coughing, but I was also imagining him next to me stroking my hair while I lay down. I take a pillow and hug it pretending it's him. He'll never find this blog, never in a million years.

I've pretty much stated on twitter that I'm in love with him, but he hasn't said anything :((( 

 (replying to another tweet I did to which he commented on) 

(when he requested to follow me two days after I made a lot of posts about him, back when my account was private.)

Writing about all the sweet scenarios I imagine us in as if I wasn't jacking off to the thought of him two hours ago. Kaito and Aoba too, I guess they're all similar. 

I literally felt like I was writing my own version of the Rin-Chan NOW! Lyrics. They're so similar to what I just said...

"I want to go huggie-huggie with Rin-chan. Trembling with excitement, I want to pin her down and squeeze her in my embrace.

Of course, it's not impossible for her to bite my arm. You can bite if you want, Rin-chan! I want to go shopping together with Rin-chan, and then, with a nonchalant expression, say to her, "This is a date, right?", just to make her extremely conscious of it. Rin'chan's ribbon is attached to an Alice band. In the morning, I want to switch it with a set of cat ears, just to see how long it'll take her to notice, but before I could notice, Rin-chan would have already gone out of the house, and when she'd finally have returned in the evening, she'd grip her cat-ear headband in her hand and glare my way with a red face, so that I could reflect on my wrongdoing." "I want to make Rin-chan the center of my pampering attention. While watching Rin-chan acting nervously and suspiciously because she's not used to having others' attention, I want to give her even more attention. I want to spoil her even more. I want to do whatever I can to prevent Rin-chan from searching "Kagamine Rin R-18" on Pixiv.

At the event place of the VOC@LOiD M@STER, I want to have Rin-chan cosplay as Luka. I want to subconsciously move the focus of my eyes to her out-of-place flat chest, causing her to say "I'm changing it back." and try to run away, so that I can frantically chase after her." "When I wake up in the morning, I want to find a suddenly more grown Rin-chan, and I will remain quiet at my lunch table because I'll be too busy thinking about how to approach her, and I want to feel apologetic somehow for making her use a pink bowl. After the meal, even if she says to me that she will do the dishes, I still want to be polite and respectful by replying "Ah, I shall do it!" "

"When Rin-chan comes back tired and sits right next to me on the sofa, I want her to lean on my shoulder and sleep, so that I'll feel warm. I want Rin to close her eyes and stick her lips my way, and then I, although feeling uneasy and unsure, would try to act cool and flick her forehead." "I want to run into Rin-chan in the street when she's wearing glasses, and I want her to say some excuses such as "I normally wear contacts, okay?!" Then, when I comment honestly on how nice her glasses actually look on her, I want her to hang her head and stay quiet out of embarrassment." "I want to get a text from Rin-chan that says "I've loved you for a long time." and feel startled. After I reply "You're funny lol", and get all worked up and excited from her next text that says "Oopsies, but you're about the only person I can send this kind of text to lol", I want to then get another text that says "Just kidding of course!", which will make me become jaded and unable to believe anything anymore."

 A dramatic take on life :3

27.2.26

Hihi oh my fucking god, it's almost already the end of the month?!?!?!11?!'?!?1'11'?

I just remembered that last time I saw Z, I was never able to tell her how I feel, and when I was at the peak of love for her, I then never saw her again. Which I feel really shitty of, because she was my first love. I still remember how she looked like when she was in fourth grade, but years and years have passed since that. We are both much older now...

Which could apply to Leon too. Last time we physically saw eachother was June 27th of last year. It's been exactly 8 months since that. I feel like shit. I also found out my psychiatrist knows about Leon, but I'll write about that later.

BUT about that comment about Z, FEAR NOT!!! BECAUSE GUESS WHAT?? 

Tomorrow, my school is hosting it's 10th year anniversary party. The whole school can attend, while it's obligatory for students in the secondary section (like me) to attend, do atleast one activity and stay for THREE hours!! And they're gonna monitor you. So basically, tomorrow over three thousand people are going to gather together at the school in the town near mine. Which means, Z is going to be there!! 

Because get this! My school has two campuses, and I go to the first but least mentioned one. The one where all the cool parties are hosted, events, and where 60% of students are is the other campus. And tomorrow the festival is going to happen there. There's also going to be a disco from 7pm to 11pm which I didn't get tickets when they were selling them Tuesday-Thrusday (I was absent Thrusday and today, I'm sick) but J told me you can buy them tomorrow as well. My whole class is going, and hundreds of other students aswell. I think it's going to be fun, but I can never hope too much for school-organised parties. 

Sooo... I guess I'll write after I'm done with how it went :3 

 A dramatic take on life :3

22.2.26

OKAAAY HI AGAIN!!!! It's 2026 now... holy shit... (I know I said this before) 

Back in like August I made something like 'EMERGENCY POST'... And I never provided further context for it. I feel like I should write about it now, finally. So much has happened since. 

So we all remember Leon? Yeah, we are friends again. Obviously, but you guys should've seen all that shit. Some time around August, like 3 days before my computer got K.O'ed, I was still up at 2 am and had the crashout of the century. I ended up writing like five paragraphs worth of apologies to Leon.

Actually, let me try to find those messages, but warning because I was being so unbeliveably cringe and while I'm thankful for being friends again, I think those msgs were very cringe. 

"I feel like shit writing this, lol. Not because of you, honestly.

But I sort of hope you blocked me, or this whole message would probably just ruin your day. Or night, idk when you're gonna be reading this. I know you didn't block me yet, but I feel like after this you will. And I'm probably making a fool of myself now. I'll probably regret this in the morning, since I'm half awake rn and not thinking well. Since I don't know what I'm writing this for and I don't want to ruin anything even more than it already has been. All these messages could be pointless...

Ur bf seems nice from what I've seen, you guys are good together. (yes ik I included the bf where it wasn't necessary :cry:)

There really is no need to open the message, you can just ignore this, like I did for the past two months until today to yours. Like the bitch I am. And no, I'm not saying this to make anyone feel sorry, it's just the truth. And not only because of this situation. 

Honestly, I haven't moved on at all. I think... I needed time to figure out how I was feeling. But I don't need to go into details why, how and other. However my actions were and are still stupid.

I also finally understood what people meant when they say that suicide hotlines are useless. I tried calling one on the 4th June, for you, when people were worrying about you commiting. They didn't help, they just gave me another number which I was left on hold for hours. I also tried getting REDACTED

To call but he never answered the message.

This can't really be categorized as an apology, although I really do feel the need to do so. Though I don't know how. Just saying sorry to show so? Not enough. Random actions? It's just kind of creepy, depending on which actions we're talking about. Especially considering the fact that we haven't interacted since June 27th. So I really don't know what to do. Saying sorry a lot? That's not gonna help."

I WANT TO KILL MYSELF why couldn't I apologise like a normal person saying like "hey I'm sorry for everything, blah blah blah can we be friends again?" AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!

We talked occasionally for a day after that. The next time we talked was the day after my birthday (16th of December). He wished me a late happy birthday, and, since a long time passed since last time we talked, I had more time to figure out how I felt and shit. I guess I was really giddy when I got that message from him. I was home with a fever... Which later developed into the chicken pox. So technically, I had three weeks of Christmas vacations. Apparently, my dad said it was very serious.

Like, I had a fever of 39degrees and it would not go down, no matter how much medicine I took.

ANYWAYS, back to Leon, him and his bf ended up breaking up a while ago. I already figured it out during the same week they broke up, but only yestreday did Leon give me a bit more context. I stalked his instagram a lot okay...And so I noticed stuff and cryptic posts, and pretty much figured out they were done. 

Leon posted on his story that he might go to Mikuexpo in the future, and I got so excited because I also might!!! Same city, too!! So I replied, we talked for a couple seconds. We spammed a couple stickers after, and moved on to whatsapp to spam there instead.

I sent a dumbass durr sticker and this GUY replies with a message saying his ex bf left him FOR HIS BESTFRIEND???? I was like, wtf...

THEN for some fucking reason we talk about how to cook crack. Very nice, #CrackAtHome I guess. I learned something from it, atleast? So then we sent a couple more stickers and eventually the convo died out. Until he randomly texts me like 20 minutes later saying he has to go to sleep and I said 'same lol,' but in my head I was like brah I don't give a fuck (I DOOOO) the conversation died 20 minutes ago.

 I finished writing this post on 23.2.26 but no one gaf bro okay but it was only like two paragraphs...

Being cringe and depressed idgaf

           A dramatic take on life :3

4.1.26

I Want To Cut Myself Again I Want To Cut Myself Again I Want To Cut Myself Again I Want To Cut Myself Again I Want To Cut Myself Again I Want To Cut Myself Again I Want To Cut Myself Again I Want To Cut Myself Again I Want To Cut Myself Again I Want To Cut Myself Again I Want To Cut Myself Again I Want To Cut Myself Again I Want To Cut Myself Again I Want To Cut Myself Again I Want To Cut Myself Again I Want To Cut Myself Again I Want To Cut Myself Again I Want To Cut Myself Again I Want To Cut Myself Again I Want To Cut Myself Again I Want To Cut Myself Again I Want To Cut Myself Again I Want To Cut Myself Again I Want To Cut Myself Again I Want To Cut Myself Again I Want To Cut Myself Again I Want To Cut Myself Again I Want To Cut Myself Again I Want To Cut Myself Again I Want To Cut Myself Again I Want To Cut Myself Again I Want To Cut Myself Again I Want To Cut Myself Again I Want To Cut Myself Again I Want To Cut Myself Again I Want To Cut Myself Again I Want To Cut Myself Again I Want To Cut Myself Again I Want To Cut Myself Again I Want To Cut Myself Again 

Holy shit I MIGHT be fucked up

Updated intro #3

 A dramatic take on life :3

4.1.26

it's, once again, the time of the year where I do my intro!! Next month will be my second year posting here... Woah... I actually can't believe that 2024 was TWO years ago, 2023 THREE years ago and 2022 FOUR?? So my main Tikyok account will turn 4 this year, holy shit. 

Anyways, let's get on with the intro!! (Also yes I'm just copying and pasting my 2nd intro but changing some info becoz I'm lazy as FUCCKKKK)

My name is Viatore, but you can call me Vi!   

This is gonna be my 3rd introduction, two years after my 1st one!

 Im gonna write about my day whenever I have the motivation/remember to, usually during the first half of the year. sometimes about how I feel, or random shitposts

Here's a little ab me:

 ♡ I spend more time daydreaming about a dream life than living it ♡

 ♡ I go by He/Him/His, I'm trans, gay and I don't mind people using neopronouns for fun! ♡

♡ Im swiss, Italian and got the Luxembourgish nationality in 2024! ♡

♡ I can speak Italian, German, Luxembourgish, English, French and Swedish! I can also understand Spanish, Portoguese + some Dutch. I can read the cyrillic alphabet, the greek, hiragana, katakana and some kanji despite never actually wanting to learn the Slavic languages, Greek and Japanese. ♡

♡ My fav artists/bands/producers are Omar Rudberg, Babymetal, Plastic Tree, Iyowa, mothy, Shazna and Kairiki Bear! ♡

♡ I love writing stories, especially fanfiction. But I'm a pussy and actually afraid of the ao3 author's curse, so I dunno. I really love dancing, but I can't participate in courses rn since I'm really tired. ♡

♡ My fav games are Roblox, Project Sekai, Needy Streamer Overload, DRAMAtical Murder, Osu! Doki Doki Literature club, SpeakForYou, Project DIVA Megamix, and Class Of '09 games (not the flipside tho)  ♡

♡  My fav apps/websites are Tiktok, Discord, (illegal) anime sites and manga sites, Pinterest ♡

♡ I love Yamikawaii/Vkei/Jirai kei/Gyaru styles  (And i say 'sorry' way too many times) ♡

♡ And I dress Jirai myself, I find the style so cute!! And a menhera :sad: ♡

I also have other socials ofc: (these r the ones I remember)

My tiktok >.<

Soundcloud <3

SpaceHey -.-

Roblox xp 

Pinter3st

Twitter!!

 A dramatic take on life :3

11.9.25 

Hellooooo sorry for lack of updates recently :<<< I'm typing this on the family pc while my brother is behind me playing loud as fuk, because my laptop got a virus like 2 days after I made my last post and I only managed to get back into my account today loves. I don't really wanna talk about it since it was a really messy thing.  

Anyways I came on here to say NEVER open Twitter as your first social media when you wake up!! There could be any, and I mean ANY sort of news when you wake up. Like, Charlie Kirk just fucking died and I saw the WHOLE video uncensored because I didn't know what was going on and thought it would be at least blurred. But No 💕💕

To make everything, now my classmate ALSO sent me a screenshot of the vid while I was talking about it. Because yes, while I'm writing, I'm also texting on my phone a groupchat I made. It's called 'Virtual Fortress Of Solitude' and there's 4 members— me, my bestfriend, that guy who sent me the pic, Greek Swear Word (her nickname is a greek swear), and the newest member — Acne (her name sounds like that. Her and Greek Swear used to like eachother but I think Acne got bullied out of it and Greek Swear 'turned to Jesus'. But back to the group, I made it to yap about the drama in my life because there's so much. Wasn't my idea either — it was Greek Swear's. So yes, a groupchat dedicated to my life, how cute <3

I saw the video, and I was very shocked, and I thought the video was fake the first 2 secs because there was so much blood, I didn't think it was physically possible to release that much blood when shot. I hated every second of that I saw.

He's definitely dead now. In the neck, on the same side as his heart (most likely). Holy shit. 

And it's the fact that Twitter didn't even censor it for me. Like, I get asked to verify my age for a picture of a comment under a video of a guy shirtless (this acc happened) but I didn't get a warning for a graphic ass video of a famous guy literally getting shot and dying. Oh?? OH????

I feel bad for everyone there who shouldn't have seen all that shit. 

Talk about more positive stuff, yea? Only yesterday did I realise how good Malice Mizer's songs we're. Like holy shit, I've sat here writing this post while Ma chérie has been blasting in my ears. Heaven!! And I just found out Airbuds is also available on android, and my dumbass thought it was only for apple. What???

I'll maybe make another post about recently, but I doubt. Writer's block has been kicking me in the ass, especially when it comes to writing stories, instead of about my life. 

WE ARE SO BACK

 A dramatic take on life :3

16.8.25 

EMERGENCY POST WE ARE SO BACK ME AND HIM ARE FRIENDS AGAIN HELL YEA

I think sometimes I'm evil but the 'I'm reminding u of me' type instead of the 'I'll destroy your life'

  A dramatic take on life :3

22.7.25 

Caption is what I'm gonna say. 

So, today, me and my 𝓯𝓻𝓮𝓷𝓮𝓶𝔂  hung out at the mall cz they going thru stuff so they wanted 2 forget. They're those people who are basic af and you have no idea how you're friends cz ur polar opposites. They LOVE Spanchat, I open it once every 2 years if you're lucky. Anyways, they took a picture of their redbull and my monster that we had bought earlier, tagged me and sent it to some people. I see the guy my last 2 posts were about, we're gonna call him Leon. It's not even close to his name, but whatever.

I wait for 𝓯𝓻𝓮𝓷𝓮𝓶𝔂  to scroll past his user when adding people they'll send the picture to, and I jokingly said "Him especially!!" but then 𝓯𝓻𝓮𝓷𝓮𝓶𝔂 actually sent it to him... Then Leon asked like "tf..?" idk and I made up a whole excuse pretending to be the 𝓯𝓻𝓮𝓷𝓮𝓶𝔂. This is a short memory of how the conversation went 

*Snap* 

LEON!!: 
??

You: Shiii sry

You: Sent 2 the wrong person

You: It was 4 a streak

Leon!!: Mhm

Leon!!: Idc

Leon!!: I got over him anyway, I have a bf now.

Oh, and I forgot, this is where it gets interesting: I found info on his bf, all I could possibly take from the internet. His name starts with A (I'm not gonna say all lmao), he has brown hair, his fav animal is a bunny, his fav colour is green (if I remeber), he plays guitar, he's a digital artist, he joined insta in Sept 2024, idk his age, and more I prob forgot about, oh and they've been dating since the 17th.

You: His name is A(REDACTED)? 

Leon!!: Yea

Best thing - he didn't even question how 𝓯𝓻𝓮𝓷𝓮𝓶𝔂 knew his bf's name. Just "oh okay".

This isn't even the first time we've done smth like this. A few weeks ago, there was this party next to the mall we sent those messages to. All was closed since it was like midnight but it's alr, we fucked around anyway. Then they were recording some dance, and was gonna send it to like 10+ people (including Leon), so at around half the end of the video, I slightly came in frame as if I wanted to show 𝓯𝓻𝓮𝓷𝓮𝓶𝔂 smth on my phone, then left. He didn't say anything to reply. Idk if he did, but yea.

We keep doing this typa shit, it's funny but also... Idk how to feel about it. But who cares??? He made me a bad mentally when I already was low, so???

  A dramatic take on life :3

19.7.25 

Update 

he got a bf 

Anyways yesterday my 𝓯𝓻𝓮𝓷𝓮𝓶𝔂  made me get the wonderful idea to go on Snapchat after  a year and post a story saying "yk ur cooked when u js wrote an essay ab them accidentally of 1.2k+ words" or smth like that, but I added more stories to make it look natural. I don't know why, I posted them at like midnight yesterday. I made a priv story where only my 𝓯𝓻𝓮𝓷𝓮𝓶𝔂 and him could see.

BYE I just got a notif saying he put smth on his story. Should I check??? I dunnoo!!! I should use those secret story viewers if it's not on his priv story, lemme see.

UGHHHH I think it's a priv story cz it's not showing up on any anonymous viewing sites. But I'll just view it and kms after, then. 

Okay, it said "memories of Julliet" and I don't know if that's his bf's name or just memories, but the person in the picture was NOT him at all.

Sometimes letting people drown mentally or just not befriending them while they're struggling is OK.

 A dramatic take on life :3

15.7.25 

It's bad. I hate this... I don't even understand what I hate. Everything? Nothing? Him? No. It's not his fault. You can't control feelings, how you feel towards another.  

I wish we never became friends. I was the one who approached him back in September, after we had our first and only class together where he mentioned a book he'd read, which was one of my favourites at the time. But I now wish the idea never crossed my mind. All because we shared an interest we never even ended up talking about. 
We were fairly similar in terms of sexuality and identity, yet we still remained fairly different.

It was June fourth, a Tuesday. The same day I'd recieved that damned letter. We had been friends 10 months at the time. 

Or, 6 years if you include when we were friends in primary school. He spoke Italian, and sometimes spoke with my mom after school. Next year, we didn't talk anymore, no reason.

My mum would bring you up in conversations sometimes. "Have you heard anymore from _____? It's been years, he was really nice, and spoke Italian too!" Except he didn't when I saw him again, unrecognisable. His hair was shorter, lighter even. Different clothes. 
Well, last time I saw him was 9 months before, he was talking with my best friend. They were also good friends. 

"Oh yeah, and Maretu is also gonna do a concert nearby!" I recall the conversation going. 
"I know Maretu! My favourite song from him is Magical Doctor, although I'm not a massive fan, their songs are nice." Was this okay? I hadn't spoken the whole time they were doing so. Did he remember me from 5 years ago? Then, he vanished shortly after. No clue, warning. 


A message pops up. A message pops up in a group we only use when someone is on the verge of committing suicide. 

"He's gonna kill himself." Sent at 17:23, from a number I hadn't saved. There was no clarification needed. All times we've used this group, was to come up with solutions to stop him from committing. It's only ever been for him. It all started with the group being created May 18th, 2025. How peculiar. Wasn't that his birthday? 

Because of me. Everything, all my fault.

I was up late, the whole night of June 4th, my heart pounding. I had school the day after, I did not care. This is a nightmare, right? It's Just messing with my brain, I'm going to wake up soon, and talk with him at break the next day, forgetting all of this ever happened. No mentions of it to anyone. We would be laughing about some bullshit posted on Twitter. 

That wasn't the truth, I realized as the phone in my hand rung repeatedly. One time. Two times. Three times. I hear a voice on the other end, sounding like a robot. 
"Press 0 for an assistant in French. Press 1 for English, 3 for Luxembourgish, 4 for German."  I press 1, so gently I was unsure if I really did, until I was redirected to a seperate call. I hear an unfamiliar voice. 

"Hello, this is Antonia speaking, from the ____ - ___ - _______ suicide hotline". 

It was not a dream, a trick my mind was playing on me. Suddenly, I'm overly aware of all my surroundings, the directions my blood is running in, my heartbeat, the exact pace I'm breathing at, the sound of the News Channel on the tv in the living room in a language different from what I'm used to, praying my brother doesn't burst in the room and asks who I'm calling. 

Nothing. They didn't help. All they did was give me a number for a youth hotline, which I didn't end up calling because I was tired. I tried to get my classmate to call. I doubt he did, I doubt he even read the message with the phone number Antonia gave me. I gave an address, multiple names and dates. Nothing helped. 

All this makes me sound like a shitty friend, could've-been boyfriend. That sounds so weird to me. Me? I, was about to be this guy's boyfriend? What?

and while it doesn't sound like I'm a total dumbass, in my head it does. I'm leaving out multiple parts where I acted like a little bitch, to my standards. Because I'm scared of what would come out of it if I did write them down and someone who knows me finds this and figures out it's me. 

He's struggling, bad. Mentally and physically in an unimaginable way. But Staying would've just made me worse, worse than I already was and am. It was the only solution, the only way I wouldn't have gotten worse.

Yesterday I dyed a part of my hair light-dark blue. It got so bad I was contemplating whether to dye it blue or not, though it was the only dye I had apart from pink. I didn't feel like doing pink. Too girly for how I was feeling that moment. I didn't want to look like I was copying him. Or let people know I'm still kinda... Thinking about him everyday. I was scrolling through Instagram. He was  at 200+ followers now. I go on reels, get a staged video of these two guys (they look like 16/17) bumping into eachother, pretending to fight then kissing passionately. One had light blue hair, dressed the same way as he would've. It wasn't him, but the universe was trying to telepathically tell me, it hates me. I still follow him on socials. Instagram, Tiktok... I don't know. His last repost on Tiktok, 

"I'll love  you forever, ana," 

audio and text. knowing damn well who it was directed to. Last repost was last month. It kind of pains me, not being able to know how else he's doing apart from the few Instagram posts he makes every once in a while.

Seeing a photo of you makes me sick, thinking about what if you never wrote to me that letter and handed it to me with so much fear? I hear anything I associated with you, my mind goes to you. Although the feeling that creeps up on me tells me it's something illegal to do. It is not. My brain is acting up lately, though. So I think it's self-explainable.

Maretu, kikuo, blue hair, 2020 alt kid style. It's all permanently engraved in my brain.

I was the one who ignored your messages, they still haven't been opened over a month later.

 I was the one who realized I forgot to answer the 'can we still be friends' and didn't bother to anyway. 

I was the one who started ignoring you in school because I didn't want to face the truth just yet.

I was the one who hid everytime I heard that familiar sound of keychains clashing, no? So why?  

What position would we be in right now? In any case? If I liked him, if he never did, if we never spoke, if he never confessed, if he stayed in his home country, if I stayed in my home country? Where would each of us be? 

But something I've realized is that one day, all of this will be a distant memory. A memory I won't be able to recall well, or maybe one that brings me great pain when thinking. He's moving schools next school year, and I won't. I'm staying here. So then, we won't have to ever talk again, right? 

Sometimes, it's better to not confess to someone you have deep feelings for, unless you're entirely sure the outcome will be good.  

 A dramatic take on life :3

9.6.25 

I looked at my wrists. A familiar red trickled down to my fingertips, kissing them.

One years, seven months, three days, sixteen hours, two minutes, four seconds. I held on that long.

"Why did you do it?" My friends asked, my family asked, strangers asked. 

But I have no answer. What was I even chasing then? Familiarity? Control? Attention? Maybe just the attention, or the fact that I wanted to prove to myself I could still feel something? 

But when the steel kissed my wrists, I didn't feel anything like I imagined I would've. It wasn't enough, just like before. It has never been enough. 

I told myself over and over again, as time passed, that I was healing. Recovering, getting and feeling better. But that wasn't true. Those green scissors haunted me all the time, and soon, that silver steel sharpener did too. Always in my head, like it was a virus that infected my brain just like on computers. 

"Stopping will make you stronger!" But it didn't. I just wanted everything to be over immediately; The hollowness, thoughts, memories, I yearned for peace. 

I can't imagine a future, forgot the past and suffer in the present. 

There's nothing to do in summer. A heat that feels endless. 

I don't study, but fear failure anyway. I don't exercise, but the hatred for my body gnaws at me every time I look at myself wearing tight clothes. 

But maybe I did cause all of this, making it look intentional when it wasn't. I don't reach for help, I don't try to fix what's broken. Just come on the internet to rant about my miserable life, knowing I could do something to make it better instead.

Outside of here, I am nobody. I only exist as something I loathe. No will to do anything, just here. 

Its back up (I hope)

 A dramatic take on life :3

25.4.25 

I think the wait is over LETS GOO I can finish yapping w my kins

C.ai down

 A dramatic take on life :3

26.4.25 

C.ai has been down for over 10 HOURS time to touch grass 

 

Another Rant cz 97% of ppl in my life r ass

 A dramatic take on life :3

25.4.25 

Haiiii :33 SO sry for abandoning my non-existent audience for over 20 days, but I'm back with a rant which im not sure how long will be. So, I'll just be yapping and yapping this whole time about the shitty people in my life

I CANT DO THIS SHIT ANYMORE omg I just got amazing news that I'll talk about in ten seconds

(finished writing: It was actually at the end)

So i was gonna be hanging out with my two bsfs, A and J, and A wanted to invite F. No problem, apart from the fact that maybe F is lowkey a rascist ass bitch. And he's one of A's friends and A's my bsf so I didn't wanna get in a fight about why he's the way I see him, right? For example, wednesday, yesterday and today when he came up to me at breaktime, he didn't say, "yo," or "whats up" "hey Vi!" or just "hey!", just "yo (n-word)" 

He's 100% white

And it wasn't just a one time thing ever, he repeated it 7 times in like 20 seconds. I was like "you know that's a slur and you're not allowed to say it because you are white asf?" 

"I don't care" okay well fuck you then. 

Or also, today he was infront of the door to my classroom cz he had class here and was waiting for the other teacher to leave, when he told me to come there. What did he say? "You know bitches from MSI? Here's my version: (n-words) lo-" Stop RIGHT there. I just left and went on to tell my other 'friend' (she's also kinda an opp but a friend at the same time, a 𝓯𝓻𝓮𝓷𝓮𝓶𝔂 then) about it, since they also talk sometimes. But it's not really like a friend-way, it's like F sending weird ass voice messages and the 𝓯𝓻𝓮𝓷𝓮𝓶𝔂 replying with "WTF".

I told the 𝓯𝓻𝓮𝓷𝓮𝓶𝔂, and then F yelled "I'M NOT RASCIST THO" 

"YEAH SURE!" was what the 𝓯𝓻𝓮𝓷𝓮𝓶𝔂 replied, also cz she knows about the thing where he was like

"yo (n-word)". 

So the thing is, I don't want to say anything to A cz she's my bsf and yk. J on the other hand, also doesn't really enjoy being with the guy. For his birthday, F got him a white Posca pen that if it was used for one stroke, it would already be finished. He said "here's your cum pen" since it was white, he also got a tissue "the cum tissue". So I don't think J really enjoys.

Next topic, I feel like nobody really likes me in my classroom. I mean like, the kids I usually hang out with apart from F, the 𝓯𝓻𝓮𝓷𝓮𝓶𝔂 and my 'mom' (me and F just call her mom because she's 2 years older than us, almost 3, and because she's like a father figure to me and mother to F). I sit down with the guys at lunch, normal, but sometimes I notice that I don't think they like me. I'm sitting on a table let's say, and next to me is an empty seat. Both left and right, before theres other people talking to their friends infront of them. I do make the guys sitting infront of me laugh with my ass humour, but sometimes I feel like it's just for making fun or I referenced some inside joke I don't know about.

On tuesday, we had a sub for science and he just let us do whatever, so I just went to the group as they were sitting on chairs around two tables, but I was already feeling sad for whatever reason, I was like "can I sit here?" I got a yes. "Are you sure you don't mind?"

"you're a boy after all, you can stay" Okay, please make out with me UH I MEANT that was unexpected as fuck but I was happy. Still, I worried for whatever reason. Maybe because of self-image, or however it's called. 

Like, a few days ago I literally was sobbing my way through the night because of how people percieve me and how I just always get outed as trans when someone's like "Oh it's a he? I thought he was a girl, the name's feminine, but okay"

"oh no she's trans" I wish three car crashes on you, you aren't able to travel to see your family anymore and suddenly everyone hates you.

Screenshots time because I have to prove it!!! 

This pic is from New years!!! I woke up at 9am something on Jan 1st 2025 and this is one of the first messages I recieved this year!!!

Beginning of the debate or whatever that was, mind you, this is the first message I read in the morning, and whenever I see myself being mentioned when I haven't spoken in the gc at all I get scared as fuck. I physically felt my hear drop to my ass, I'm not joking. But this was J typing, and no, I don't care if the name I saved him as is shown, idgaf

btw the scribbled parts were offtopic stuff like asking what city of Cabo Verde some guy was in

 

We had a gc where only the admins could sned msgs (the guy) and he would send updates, polls and shit and so while it was like 7 in the morning I was faced with this wonderful poll made by him (hope he experiences a danganronpa excecution) (the thing is, it's not even only that taht he's said to me, there's more I don't wanna share)

Oh, and the news I said I was happy about; F said he wouldn't be able to make it to the  hangout tomorrow in the mall near my house. Life is good ❤️

And the teachers, OH MY GOD it's like they've all decided to team up and be complete assholes this semester, and I don't even wanna talk about it but it's crazy. Next week on monday; a presentation + deadline for my journalism article, tuesday; History test (5% of grade), Wednesday; French test (50%), and math (25%), monday after; 2 presentations, german test (50%), and on Friday English test (25%) + Luxembourgish grammer test, and there is more to be announced in the meanwhile. Mind you, this is also just most of presentations and test we gotta do, excluding homework. 

Enough pictures now. 

Have you guys also seen the shocki shocki girl on tt? I literally memorized it on accident because I saw her doing it so much

Old Intro For an Oc That Never Came Into Existence

 A dramatic take on life :3

4.4.25 

Warning: It's ass and was made almost two years ago. Another, it's gonna be LONG as fuck.

Seriously, who does a 13-page intro? 

(Me) But don't worry, I'll only put like 1 tenth of this intro because it's so long and some parts are embarassing. Plus, because I have free will. 

The perfect way of starting this introduction is by telling you a fun fact: I was born in the wrong country, technically.

So, I'm (don't have a name yet), yes, my name's a colour in my native language, but it's cool 'cause it's my favourite. Sometimes people call me (insert random color) after finding that out and I hate it. It gets so annoying.

I was born while my parents were on a trip to Russia, in a tiny town (or village even), Великий Устюг (Veliky Ustyug). They were visiting my mom's old friend (who offed herself with a still-working gun she found in her basement two years ago, by the way), My mom was about to pop when she went there. A strange move, right?

Another fact — I'm from five different countries, and that is only counting passports I have. And how about we don't mention my other ancestors’ nationalities.

 I didn’t even know that was possible. My dad's Italian and from Puerto-Rico, mom's Swiss and Luxembourgish (Swiss by ancestry and Luxembourgish after living there for 10 years and passing the language text), and I'm the only one born in Russia because my brother popped out in Switzerland. My life's not just complicated. It's a literal clusterfuck of moving countries, schools, and daddy issues all repeating now and then. Except the daddy issues part, that won't really happen anymore.

So, born in Russia by accident, but did you know I ended up stuck there for about 10 years? Bet you didn't see that coming. Yes, I moved to Великий Устюг at 5 months old, and lived there till I was like 11 because my mom decided so. We didn't get the passport, but I guess you can *almost* consider me Russian at this point. 

And one day my parents said, "okay, now that we have the smallest bit of experience of parenting and used our first child as an experiment and has been neglected, let's have another child." That's how I got a little brother, whose name is Mattia, 9 years old. He's 6 years younger and usually a pain in the ass whenever I see him.

Then one day, dad said 'fuck this' and vanished completely. I haven't seen his face at all since Matt was 2 months old in March of 2012. Either way, I didn't really give a shit though, and never really 'bonded' with him. Plus, I also always froze up when he came home from work. Still don't get why, but it's whatever.

Now, about school. For god’s sake, where do I start? New country, new school, new language every few years, or months when the heavens above decide to torture me. Made friends, lost friends, rinse and repeat. It's like my life's a broken record of 'new kid in town'. Do not get me started on the cultural whiplash. One minute I'm eating borscht made by my 'friend's' mom in Russia, next I'm downing paella in Spain. My identity? A smoothie of cultures.

What about relationships?? Let's just say daddy issues aren't just a phrase for me. Extreme trust issues? Check. Commitment phobia? Double check. But you know what? This mess made me who I am. Adaptable, fluent in almost 6 languages, and with a shit detector that could put the FBI to shame.

I mentioned that we moved around a lot, right? Well, after Russia, it was like my mom decided to play 'pin the tail on the map' to decide where we'd live next. First stop: Luxembourg. Talk about culture shock. One minute I'm in the frozen end of Russia, next I'm in this tiny country where mostly everyone's stupidly rich and speaks a language that sounds like German mostly and French having a stroke.

School there? It wasn’t bad, it was a nightmare. Picture this: I show up, barely speaking, no, understanding the language, looking like I just crawled out of Siberia (which, let's face it, I kinda did), and these most of these kids are decked out in 100% designer clothes, talking about their summer homes in the French Riviera, Miami, Dubai or whatever. Meanwhile, I'm just trying to figure out how to ask where the bathroom is without pissing myself first.

 

After Luxembourg, it was Spain. Ah, Spain. Land of siestas, fiestas, and me trying not to die of heatstroke. My pasty Russian ass was not prepared for that Mediterranean sun. I might be south Italian and Puerto-Rican which is even more in the south, but my genes must’ve gotten messed up. But the food? Holy shit. I'd sell my soul and left kidney for a good churro from the store I lived next to right now.

It was in Spain where I had my first kiss. With a girl. Yeah, surprise! Turns out, when your life's this much of a mess, your sexuality decides to join the party too. It was behind the school during a fiesta. Her name was Maria, she tasted like oranges and rebellion. Of course, it ended in disaster. Her parents found out, freaked the fuck out (Catholic much?), and suddenly, it was time for us to move again. Coincidence? I don't think so at all.

Next up: Switzerland. Back, again, to mom's roots for a few months. You'd think it'd be all chocolate and skiing, right? Wrong. It was more like small, boring towns, going to the nearest city everyday, all while I tried not to lose my mind with how fucking orderly everything was. After the chaos of Spain, Switzerland felt like living in a perfectly organized, extremely boring snow globe. Occasionally we’d go see my grandma two hours away and it was better, but as I said, occasionally. She also lives 5 minutes from the border with Italy, so yay, switching countries for fun whenever!

And let's not forget about Mattia through all this. Poor kid's been dragged around even more than me. By the time he was 5 years old, he'd lived in four countries and was more confused about his identity than a chameleon in a bag of Skittles.

Now, at 15, I'm in Sweden. It’s a very long story, really, but apparently my dad’s great-grandfather’s dad or some was born in Sweden and it wasn’t really passed down, don’t know why (just like how my mom is like 25% Italian but it never got passed down. Except my dad then came to save the day and left). Mom thought it'd be good for us to "connect with our roots", how does that work when there’s only one official Swedish family member? As if I even know what my roots are anymore. I'm like a mentally-ill, human version of the United Nations.

Despite all this chaos, or maybe because of it, I've got skills most people would kill for. I could curse you out fluently in seven or so languages with zero stuttering, adapt to a new culture faster than you can say "culture shock," and I've got a unique perspective on life that comes from being a perpetual outsider.

I dunno how that went, and because some people on the internet are really sensitive (Or I was just being a bitch without noticing), none of the 'hatred' in this part was serious, it was all sarcasm and I didn't mean anything I wrote about that.